Amazing Grace

Part II

I was brought up in a very Christian environment. I come from a long line of Protestant Ministers of the Church, from Quakers to Baptists to Methodists. One of my ancestors came to America with William Penn. One was fined his horse for refusing to fight in the army. Most of them, in fact, came to America before the Revolution, to escape religious persecution. As a result, I have spent years in "Standard" churches.

At an early age I resolved to "find God." It was a burning passion for me. My internal operating system simply demanded that I really needed to "know" Him. I was avid in my Sunday School studies and devoted in my prayer life.

As I grew and studied, I became aware of many contradictions and discrepancies in the "Standard Religion," and many anomalous events of my life were inexplicable in these terms. I constantly prayed for guidance and support, and it became increasingly clear that I was being guided to learn to study in a deeper way.

At the same time I was VERY aware of the pain and suffering all over the planet, and it seemed that I was cursed with the burden of acutely "tuning in" to and feeling this cosmic pain. I suffered with every starving child, every grieving parent, every pain racked victim of man's inhumanity to man. I prayed constantly for the pains of the world to be ameliorated. But everywhere I looked, there was misery.

Where was God in all this? I was beginning to wonder. I wasn't getting much in the way of results with the "standard" religion in terms of the "Hotline to Heaven, and it was clear that I needed a dialogue with God. He was, after all, my Father, wasn't he? Didn't I have a right to his love and attention like all others who claimed to be so full of joy because of their faith in God? What had I done wrong that I was denied this claimed "connection" to the One who was proclaimed to be perfect in His Love and Knowledge and all the rest? What did I have to do to be worthy? If I could only find out, I would do it! I really needed to know! Do I need to pray more? Sacrifice something that I liked? I didn't have much in my life that WAS pleasant, but I would willingly give up what little I had just to feel the touch of God's breath on my cheek. Was that asking too much? How about just a little, teensy, tiny sign to assure me that YOU exist? Something to hold on to? A straw, for God's sake! I'm drowning here! This is NOT a pleasant place! Sure! We are taught that all this suffering will bring us a "Crown of Glory," if we just have faith... but what is this thing called "Faith?" do I have it? Can I have more?

So, since God wasn't answering my prayers to ease the burdens of the world, and I could see he wasn't answering the prayers of others who were making similar prayers, and we were all contributing to missionary efforts, I determined to find what the story was here. If God wasn't answering, there must be a reason. And, if there was a reason, only God could tell me. So, since God seemed to be hiding, I determined to find out how to get to Him!

This became my over weaning goal and objective. But, how does one go about "finding" God? Well, if one wants to learn physics, one studies math. If one wants to learn about God, one studies religion. This seemed the natural place to start. Standard religion; start with what you know.

I was raised Methodist, but with some evangelical leanings, and the most sacred dogma of my childhood was that the Bible was the WORD OF GOD! And that was that.

Well, okay, I LOVE GOD, and this makes me want to be close to Him, and in order to get close, I need to know what pleases Him so He will WANT me close and will talk to me... so, the logical step is to READ THE BIBLE!

Well, I had already read the Bible mostly, but not in a systematic and studious way as I was now proposing to myself. If the Bible was the Word of God, I wanted to ingest, to breathe, to LIVE with every single word. I was HUNGRY for God!

I read the King James Version, since that was standard. I read it through, from start to finish; more than once. I couldn't help but notice that there SEEMED to be some considerable contradictions and puzzles. But, in a standard way, I sought answers to these puzzles from the theological community. I decided that the Bible was not contradictory, it was just me that did not understand it properly. Clearly, I needed to gain an understanding that was deeper that would resolve these conflicts. The obvious place to look for such answers seemed to be to read books that explained the Bible, that could explain the history of the times, the customs, the people, the archaeology and so forth. So, I began to read such books.

Naturally, I only read books by Christian authors. I reasoned that only Christians could write about Christianity as only Christians could "understand" the Bible. After all, this was pretty much a doctrine of faith.

As I read, I discovered, to my dismay, a vast realm of disagreement among theologians as to how to interpret "difficult passages." I also learned that much of this disagreement was due to linguistic problems. When one read the King James Version of the Bible, one was reading something translated from Hebrew and Greek into old Latin, and from the Latin of the Vulgate, translated into English - only it was the English of the 1600's, which was, as I learned, a pretty limited vocabulary.

I remember a particular incident that really drove this point home. A rather famous radio minister was preaching a sermon based on Acts 28:13 where the KJV says, starting with verse 11, "And after three months we departed in a ship of Alexandria, which had wintered in the isle, whose sign was Castor and Pollux. (12) And landing at Syracuse, we tarried there three days. (13)And from thence we fetched a compass, and came to Rhegium: and after one day the south wind blew, and we came the next day to Puteoli..."

Well, this particular pastor decided to use this verse as an allegory of needing the "compass of God" in order to find one's way when the winds of life threaten to buffet the faithful. He kept driving home the point about how the apostle did not rely on his own direction, but bought a compass, and the reason for this story to be in the Bible was to set just this example.

I wasn't altogether sure that compasses existed at that period of time, and I wondered about this passage, so I did some research. What I discovered was that the real meaning of "from thence we fetched a compass," was "from there we made a circuit" or sailed in a circle, following the coastline, and that it was an Elizabethan nautical term!

This, of course, created a problem in my mind. If the Bible was the Holy Word of God, ought we not, as faithful believers, discover EXACTLY what those words meant so that we would not fall into errors of understanding? This seemed pretty simple and logical to me. I brought the issue up with my Minister and was set down in a pretty firm manner. I was told that, in the first place, the Holy Spirit "reveals" the truth to the faithful if they will only pray for guidance, and in this particular case, the guidance was given to use this passage in this way. Further, I was told, it was not necessary to be "informed as to the vagaries of translation," because of this very reason, and if a person begins to question their pastor or teachers of the "faith," and to question the Bible itself, then it was clear that these questions were being stimulated by Satan and, consequently, I was in "grave danger" and needed to do a LOT of praying to save myself from falling into this pit!

Naturally, I was frightened by this pronouncement. I searched my conscience and carefully monitored and examined every thought and feeling, searching for the inroads made by Satan. I prayed diligently and fervently. I mean, God said it, I believed it and that settled it! It was a closed, comfortable system with no ambiguities. And I could see that the system was a good one: it caused people to be kind, honest, sacrificing of personal comfort for others, loyal and so forth. Devotion to these values was a hallmark of the faith along with the confidence of the "rightness" of their belief.

But, as I struggled with this issue, it was becoming increasingly clear that nothing could be allowed to challenge the system and this troubled me. What was so fragile about it that it could not withstand questions and challenges?

I plunged into a veritable frenzy of prayer and fasting that was intended to extirpate these questions from my mind. I saw them as the influence of Satan - that a mind that sought knowledge was a curse - and doubt was the wide road to Hell.

One Sunday during this time, I was sitting in church during the Pastoral prayer. I was praying hard along with the Minister that God would send the Holy Ghost to me to help me understand all that I needed to understand.

Suddenly, I heard a buzzing noise, or a crackling sound, similar to the sound of bacon sizzling in the pan, and the voice of the pastor and the resonant "amen's" from the congregation became very far away and metallic sounding exactly as if I were hearing them broadcast from a loudspeaker under water.

This shocked me and my eyes snapped open to see if my vision was impaired because I thought I might be having a stroke or something. I was completely dismayed to see that the Minister, standing at the podium, gripping the stand with both hands, his eyes closed and his head thrown back in the profound drama of his praying, was overlayed with a shimmering, living, image of a WOLF!

It was exactly as if a film was being projected onto him where the image of the wolf, in full color, was a sort of "alter ego" and all the expressions of the pastor were corrupted and twisted by the matching expressions of the wolf, When the Minister would move his hands or shake his head, so did the wolf. Every move of the Minister's mouth was exactly matched by the gaping jaws of the toothsome figure from Hell! It was not a solid figure, it was a "projection of light," so to speak.

I quickly looked around the sanctuary to see if this was a complete delusion, and was shocked to see similar "overlays" on all the people there. Many of them were sheep, but there were also pigs and cows and other creatures represented.

I was HORRIFIED! I was sure that the Devil had me now for sure! Here I was, in the middle of church, seeing our beloved Minister in the guise of a WOLF! It was damnation for certain!

I closed my eyes and prayed harder. The sound anomaly continued and I opened my eyes to peek again. The wolf was still there dramatizing the mellifluously intoned pastoral prayer.

I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and prayed and prayed and rebuked Satan and finally began to just repeat the Lord's prayer over and over again to drive this image from my reality. Soon, it began to taper off and die away and when I opened my eyes again, the wolf was gone and I was VERY relieved to have won this battle with Satan.

A couple of Sundays later, we arrived a little late, expecting the services to be already started. We were surprised to see the congregation all gathered outside the church door, milling about like lost sheep. We discovered that the Minister had done a "midnight flit," so to speak, leaving the church in a bad way, having embezzled a huge amount of money from the funds that were supposed to pay the bills for the building and supply the various organizations. There was even a bill for dock rent for a rather large yacht that the church was also paying for, unbeknownst to all the members. All the expensive furnishings of the luxurious parsonage were gone, the mortgages on both buildings were on the verge of foreclosure, the electricity was about to be shut off... and the Minister and his family were gone to parts unknown.

I was stunned. I realized that my "vision" was exactly what I had been praying for: the Holy Spirit revealing the "truth" to me, and I had rebuked it and cast it away!

This resulted in shift in my faith in my own ability to be "in touch" with God, or whoever was in charge of this Universe. Clearly, I had been shown the truth under the surface, and my self-doubts and belief in the authority of others had interfered with my communion with Holy Spirit.

So, this gave my studies a little boost. I understood an essential thing: if you truly pray for guidance, deeply and sincerely, it WILL come, but it may not be what you want to hear or believe and it may go against what others are saying or teaching.

But this, of course, raised other questions. The most dominant was how was one to tell when it was a misleading influence and how to tell if it was truly a Divine Revelation? If a number of people are claiming that the "Holy Spirit" is giving them revelations, and these revelations are contradictory, then somebody is wrong or all of them are wrong. And we have only our knowledge and reason with which to analyze and compare.

In Christianity, we generally find rejection of knowledge and reason. Nothing is allowed to challenge the system No ambiguity can be tolerated. All who believe differently are a threat; therefore, we must keep up our guard against them and their father, Satan, or at the very least, convert them to our way of thinking. One way to prove that we are "right" is to convert others to our view!

This leads to another thing about my religion that really bothered me. My protestant family was appalled when my uncle married a Catholic and his sister converted to Catholicism. According to many protestant religions, Catholics are members of the "Church of Satan," the "Great Whore of Babylon." But I could clearly see that these Catholic Aunts of mine were far better Christians than the "saved" members of my immediate family. This exclusion by virtue of a single point of doctrine, being "born again," struck me as a VERY judgmental and un-Christian attitude. It also brought up the standard questions about what happens to those people who never have the opportunity to "hear the word and be saved." That did NOT bespeak a loving and merciful God!

But, at some point, honesty and sincerity of the heart, if it exists in a person, will cause them to question the correctness of this view. Honesty made me ask questions, and the evasiveness of the answers, or the attacks directed against me because of the very asking, gradually removed the scales from my eyes and I began to see. I began to see the "standard religion" for what it truly is: a CULT.

In the beginning, I believed that the Bible was an infallible, inspired, "God Given" book. Every jot and title were the very words of God. To question this was a sin. God was not the author of doubt.

However, after the experience discussed above, and other similar visions that were more personal, I began to read and think and doubt.

Tennyson wrote: "There lives more faith in honest doubt, believe me, than in half the creeds."

The death of Christ, the sacrifice that he supposedly made: was it true? The standard Christian religion says that Jesus died for the sins of all. Then he rose again after merely three days in the grave, exactly as he predicted that he would (if you accept the myth).

Well, as one apostate theologian wrote: "My friend, I would give MY life for a good cause if I KNEW that I was coming back in three days! Where is the 'sacrifice?'"

Jesus said: "ask and ye shall receive." Christians pray about things they wish to see happen or about things they wish to have. If the things they are praying about come about, everyone praises God. If the things do not come about, then "it just isn't God's will." But, with such a handy explanation for EITHER result, it reduces prayer to "six of one, half a dozen of the other." What will be, will be. Why pray? Why not just do your best and hope for a good outcome? And, when you think about this, you realize that you are praying to someone for whom you have to make EXCUSES! "Maybe it wasn't God's will." Or, "We don't have enough faith for God to act." Or "God will act in His own time and not ours." Or "The ways of God are a mystery." Excuses, excuses, excuses!

Jesus promised: "If any two of you shall agree and ask... it shall be done." (Matt 18:19) That's a PROMISE. What do you want or need? Just ask! But it doesn't work and you know it!

The Letter of James says: "If there are any who are sick... call the elders... They will pray and the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up." That doesn't work either - or only works sometimes.... exactly as often as it works for people who DON'T pray to Jesus, or who pray to any of a variety of Gods or Goddesses.

These promises are taught to little children in Sunday School as TRUTH. They are promoted as divine teaching by a Savior who cares and loves, as promises that an all powerful, omniscient, perfectly loving God can and WILL perform. And worse yet: little children are inculcated with a feeling of intrinsic guilt and unworthiness because of "Original Sin." Every human attribute they possess, and everything natural is twisted and distorted and repressed for being the "Curse of Eve."

This naturally imposes a double burden on women. As long as women regard the Bible as the "charter of their rights," they will be the slave of men. For women, there is no escape from the degrading teachings of the Bible.

I say again: Christianity is a CULT.

A cult has certain peculiarities, things one can and cannot do, things one must believe and pledge allegiance to.

In Christianity, we are told a diverse set of things we should and should not do, most especially, how we must believe and in what.

A cult does not save anyone from anything - it enslaves.

A cult does not bring peace, it brings conflict.

A cult is not freedom, it is bondage.

Christians claim that Jesus saves. What does he save you from? Lying? There are lots of folks who are not Christian who do not lie. Does he save you from adultery? Only you can save yourself from adultery. Does Jesus save you from cheating? Lots of "born again" folks aren't saved from that because, of all things, they cheat themselves.

If we take away the "standard religion," what do we have left?

Our correspondent wrote: [One] who is not afraid of expanding the scope of physics into quasi-religious areas...."

So, without religion we have a person who believes in their God-given personal strengths and weaknesses, a person who seeks always to strengthen the weaknesses and to moderate and use wisely the strengths. We have a person who believes in the worth and dignity of every individual and who does not classify people according to their beliefs, their lifestyles or other criteria.

Jesus said: "By their fruits you shall know them..." I wish to point out that the idea of "being born again" or "saved by a confession of faith" is only a matter of degrees away from the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the arrogant destruction of thousands upon thousands of human beings, their cultural artifacts, and their social structures. Those who claim that "Christianity is RIGHT," and excuse those who instituted the horrors that accompanied the IMPOSITION of this religion on the majority of the Western World, and the concomittant Dark Ages (a clue?) were just "in error, but their hearts were in the right place," are kidding themselves. There is very little difference between proselytizing your religion as being the only "Right" one and killing another person for not believing as you do. I repeat: it is only a matter of degree.

How often have you read the bumper sticker that says: "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven." The arrogance and self-righteousness contained in that remark underpins a Fascist mindset that ought to terrify anyone who reads it.

Without standard religion and its Fascist burying of the talents of knowledge, one can pursue the free and disciplined search for truth and meaning.

But, our correspondent also wrote: "Conventional religion is just like conventional maths. It's where we should automatically go. Conventional religion is simply a matter of openness to God, if he exists, and asking him to download some software, if he exists....

Well, I have to differ in this opinion. "Conventional religion" cannot even remotely be equated to conventional math.

Math is based on knowledge, reason, work, observation, studious attention to repeating factors - based on facts, in fact.

Conventional religion cannot make that claim in any sense of the word.

"Conventional religion" takes an attitude toward the Bible that is "non-critical." It considers the Bible divinely inspired and not to be studied like other literature with a view to determining the dates and authors or the sources which went to make up the various writings included in the canon of scripture.

The touchstone of orthodoxy is to insist on a literal interpretaion. It is thought that if one thinks that the Bible doesn't mean what it says about the world being created by God in six days, then there is no obligation to take the Bible seriously when it says "Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Christ died for our sins." Therfore, to take a critical approach to the Bible is in itself a denial of faith.

Even a relatively superficial study of the New Testament quotations from the Old Testament reveals a bewildering number of variations. Not only so, but there is a large number of manuscripts of the Bible with many differences among them.

We would all prefer to live in certainty and not uncertainty. We all would like to have an authoritative voice to tell us: "this is the way, walk ye in it!" But, it seems that it is part of the Divine plan to withhold that certainty, to FORCE us to seek and ask questions. Those who do not, are burying their talent.

Our weak human nature shrinks from this uncertainty and "absolutizing" religion is one attempt to overcome this uncertainty.

My journey, after coming to these conclusions, has been a journey of liberation. I have NOT been liberated from faith in God, but that is another story. I have been liberated from my mistaken ideas that God can be found in the pages of a book... clearly a little God.

As a critical believer, I am concerned with God in a different way. I do not believe that God, even by divine choice, has limited His actions to what people can discover from reading the Bible or belonging to a "conventional religion." God is far greater than that!

Cassiopaeans Part 3

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