Werewolves Aren’t Real

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Okay folks, let’s break this one down to brass tax: A werewolf is someone that becomes a wolf or half-man/half-wolf creature during a full moon…and they’re almost definitely not real. For centuries, werewolves have existed in the folklore of almost every culture, and have been blamed for everything from cattle mutilations, to unsolved murders. However, and we’re going to say this again, odds are that they’ve never existed. How can we say this with so much confidence? Well, it’s because every culture has a different explanation for where werewolves come from, but none have any evidence of their existence; they’re also one of those creatures that magically stopped existing as soon as humans developed more reliable and permanent ways of logging information. Simply put, werewolves are one of the many fantastic explanations that people in the old world gave for things they couldn’t figure out; in fact, most have come to believe that werewolves were a way of explaining serial killers before anyone knew that kind of behavior existed. Think about it, they murder in cycles, and they brutally mutilate and sometimes eat their victims. In the old days, no one wanted to admit that a person could do things like this, so they decided that a creature that only pops up about once a month was responsible.

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A werewolf was, and strangely enough still is in some cultures (*cough* Haiti *cough*), something you’d call someone who you didn’t like thought was trying to wrong you. For example, you don’t like your neighbor Sheamus; so one day when you find that your prized pig has been eaten by a wolf (a real wolf), you start telling people that hairy old uni-browed Sheamus became a wolf and ate your pig. That’s another thing that we find peculiar about werewolf lore; many cultures believed that werewolves had certain characteristics when in human form (uni-brows, sloped shoulders, dragging gait) that sound a lot like those of people who would’ve been social outcasts at the time. So calling someone a werewolf was just like blaming the local wino for vandalizing your home. Strangely enough, and we kind of blame this on Twilight (*squints eye, shakes fist, bites head off “Jacob” doll*), some people still believe in werewolves, so we’re going to give you a few “werewolf facts” anyway.

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It’s commonly believed that one only becomes a werewolf if one is bitten, or scratched deep enough by a werewolf (although some cultures believed that you became one through an allegiance to Satan…do you capitalize “Satan”? We guess it’s a proper title right?). After this contact, you will become a werewolf on every full moon and during these times will have no control over yourself and will act like a wild wolf would. A werewolf can be killed with something silver (bullet, knife, stick etc), or in some cases, by removing its heart. Some cultures further believe that you can tell a regular wolf from a werewolf by the werewolf’s lack of a tail (the same cultures believe that werewolves run on three legs and stick the fourth straight back to give the appearance of a tail). So, that’s about the long and short of it folks, werewolves are almost definitely not real, but just to be safe, don’t pet any stray dogs next time there’s a full moon…or trust anyone with one eyebrow.

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