“What’s the use of a good quotation if you can’t change it?”– Dr. Who

This manual was created to provide reference points to all those who live on the Edge.

It is a collection of errant pieces of knowledge, quips of non-conventional wisdom found in graffiti, e-mail taglines, bumperstickers, buttons, and snatches of conversions heard while standing in fast-food checkout lines.

While they may range from the inane to the profound, they all reflect the basic assumptions and definitions that make up our reality.

Note: This guide is definite. It is reality that is frequently inaccurate.

David I. Harvie
Chief Scout
Outriders of Reality

Table of Contents Arguements
Bumper Stickers
Button Sayings
Computers & Programming
Food & Drink
Higher Education
Mental Health
Military Intelligence
Modern Living
Science Fiction & Fantasy

Asimov to Tolkien
Commonly Heard Quotations During Role Playing Games
Doctor Who
Star Trek
Numbers & Statistics
Arguments All generalizations are false.
All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
By all means, let’s not confuse ourselves by the facts.
Boy, you’re playing with dice that don’t have dots.
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
Don’t confuse the issue with facts!
Don’t go off in a huff. Wait a minute, then leave in a minute & a huff.
Don’t hit me, Mr. Moderator… I’ll go back on topic… I swear!
Don’t play “stupid” with me… I’m better at it!
Don’t believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Exactly what was I talking about anyways???
I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig headed fool!
I am not arguing with you. I’m telling you.
I call things as I see them; If I didn’t see them, I make them up!
I can see clearly now that your brain is gone.
I’d insult you, but you’re not bright enough to notice.
I didn’t know it was impossible when I did it.
I don’t know. I don’t care. And it doesn’t make any difference.
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
I don’t have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
I don’t have to take this abuse from you. I’ve got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
I had to hit him — he was starting to make sense.
I’m the Mommy — that’s why.
I’m really enjoying not talking to you, so let’s not talk again real soon, ok?
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I warn you not to underestimate my powers.
I will continue to be an impossible person as long as those who are now possible remain possible.
I wouldn’t spit in your ear if your brain was on fire!
I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I’m not going deaf. I’m ignoring you.
I’m not cynical. Just experienced.
I’ve told you MILLIONS of times, don’t exaggerate!
If Caesar were alive, you’d be chained to an oar.
If I look confused, it’s because I’m thinking.
If I want your stupid opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.
If you’re right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It’s difficult to work in groups when you’re omnipotent.
It’s hard to be humble when you’re as great as I am.
It’s not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
It’s not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.
It’s THAT HARD??? Forget it.
Just my opinion (But I’m Right!)
Like I said before, I don’t repeat myself!
May a misguided platypus lay its eggs in your jockey shorts.
Maytag® is my middle name; I’m an agitator.
Me, indecisive? I don’t think I am, do you?
My mind is made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Never argue a fool; people might not know the difference.
No, I have not grown roots into this chair!
No, keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.
Now is not a good time to annoy me.
Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.
On the other hand, you also have five fingers.
Pick a window– you’re leaving!
Question Authority–ask me anything.
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
Stupidity got us into this mess — why can’t it get us out?
Sure, when… OINK FLAP OINK FLAP… Well I’ll be damned!
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
The less you bother me, the sooner you get results.
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.
The truth, however, is not pertinent.
The unfacts, did we have them, are too imprecisely few to warrant our certitude.
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
We’ll get along fine as soon as you realize I’m God.
Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
Which part of “NO!” don’ t you understand?
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you could be impossible?
Why can’t you be unique and original like everybody else?
Will your answer to this question be no?
Would it save you some time if I just gave up and went mad now?
Yeah, but you’re taking the universe out of context.
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
You have a right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.
Your grasp of the obvious is incredible !!!


Bumper Stickers All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture.
Ankh if you love Isis.
As a matter of fact, I do own the road and sidewalk too!
Be nice to me — I made your licence plate.
Beam me up, Scotty, there’s no intelligent life here.
Clean, hard-working, dependable, quiet. Good God, what kind of a monster have I become?
Do not wash. Vechile undergoing scientific dirt test.
Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
Eschew obfuscation.
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say “Honk if…
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I brake for absolutely no reason.
I brake for hallucinations.
I brake for whales.
I don’t care who you are, what you drive, or where you’d rather be.
I have 3 children — including my husband.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids would you like?
I plan on getting something out of school this year — me!
It’s so hard to raise good parents these days.
Jeez if you love honkus.
Just visiting this planet.
Keep honking — I’m reloading.
Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
My karma ran over my dogma.
My kid beat up your honor student.
My kid was voted inmate of the month at the Kingston pen.
My other vehicle is a Galaxy Class Starship.
No bady onboard — take your best shot.
Ordinarily, I don’t venture this far from my TV set.
Penguin Lust
Rednecks eat Japanese Import Cars for Breakfast.
Run! Run for safety, foolish pedestrians!
So many pedestrians, so little time.
Subvert the dominant paradigm!
Thanks Mom, for the baldness gene.
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I’m just visiting.
Think “HONK” if you’re a telepath.
Welcome to Earth. Run while you still can.
Women are natural leaders. Men always follow them.


Button Sayings Amateur Time Lord
All stressed out with no one to straggle.
Born Again Virgin
Born to shop
Built for comfort, not for speed.
Caution: Contents under pressure.
Caution: Hungry Dieter. May bite if provoked.
Deadly Ninja throwing button.
Don’t panic.
Filthy, Stinking, Rich. Two out of three ain’t bad.
Geek on Patrol.
Go ahead and talk to me – my day was ruined anyway!
Graduate of the Darth Vader School of Management
Have an adequate day.
Have TARDIS will travel.
Hi! I can’t remember your name either.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I’m just looking at your nametag, honest!
IAAAA – International Association Against Acronym Abuse
I could be a bitch. If I was nicer.
If the wearer of this button shows any signs of depression, administer chocolate immediately.
Individualists Unite!
Invertebrate punster. Spinelessly unable to resist a pun So slug me.
Kamikaze Chemist
Kiss me–I’m not Irish, but don’t let that stop you.
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
Ladies’ sewing circle and terrorist society.
League of Bloodthirsty Women
League of Pushy Women. Self-appointed Chapter Head.
Local manure pile disturber at work… hold yer nose!
Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.
Migratory lifeform with a tropism for parties.
Mostly harmless
No Smoking. Oxygen in use.
Not quite human any longer.
Pagan and Proud
Pagan Missionary
Plotting the downfall of Humanity since 1990.
Rampaging anarchist horde and floating beer party.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle buttons.
Reality is a cop-out for people who can’t handle drugs.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Reality is blinking again…call for repairs.
Scottish country dancers are reel people.
Smile if you are Jesus.
Smurf exterminator
Take me home–furry people need love too.
Teacher from the Black Lagoon
Techno Pagan
The little engineer that could.
Typical Mother or Ruthless Dictator — future historians to decide.
Ultimate Question Research Team
Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force 1990-1951
Vote anarchist!
Wandering punster
Warning: This person reads fantasy and is an avid denier of reality.
Warning: Whimsical when bored
Whining is my life.
Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much of your time reading buttons.

Computers & Programming A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord.
A feature is a bug with seniority.
A floppy drive has low libido.
A program is used to turn data into error messages.
Adult GIF files are meant for testing monitors!!
All hope abandon, ye who enter messages here.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound!
All’s fair in love and E-mail!
Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are transmission errors.
Apathy Error: Don’t Bother Striking Any Key.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.
Artificial Intelligence: The other guy’s opinion.
ASCII 32… The Final Frontier
ASCII stupid question…get a stupid ANSI.
At Play in the Fields of the Net.
Back up my hard drive? I can’t even find the reverse switch!
BATCH: A group, kinda like a herd.
BBSers come in all Typists.
BBSing at least keeps SOME drunks off the street!
Biosphere – Phobia for Computers.
BREAKFAST.COM halted. Cereal port not responding.
But God TOLD me to use a GOTO.
But honey, I wouldn’t be up so late on a faster machine.
But honey, we can afford it, I sold your car.
But I thought YOU did the backups!
C code. C code run. Run, code, run… PLEASE!
C combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
C Error #003: You’re joking… right?
C Error #007: Irrational concept!
C Error #008: It’ll never work, really!
C Error #009: FATAL! Portable code found.
C Error #011: First C Program, huh?
C Error #012: printf(“Hello worldn”);
C Error #013: That’s Mr. C to you bub!
C Error #022: Missing period eh? Core dump…
C Error #026: Sorry, gone fishing…
C Error #029: Well! I’m impressed.
C Error #030: tisk, tisk, tisk.
C Error #031: May I suggest delivering pizza?
Cache me if you can.
Chutzpa: Does your BBS take collect calls?
CMOS grows on CSHELLS.
Coming soon: Netware for the Nintendo!
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer Lie #1: You’ll never use all that disk space.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computer programmers don’t byte, they nybble a bit.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
COPY C:nervoussystem [
De agony of delete!
Disk Crash: (A)bort, (R)etry, (K)ill innocent bystander.
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Do you like me for my brain, or my BAUD?
Documentation is like sex: When it’s good, it’s fantastic, when it’s bad…
Does “MicroSoft” translate to “small and squishy”?
Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
DOS is proof that PC users can take a joke.
EBCDIC: Erase Backup Chew Disk Ignite Cards.
Echo means return to sender, right?
Equal bytes for women.
Error in operator: add be
Error Reading Reality.Sys … Universe Halted.
ERROR D3F2: Replace user and press any key to continue:
ERROR: isk, spit on it,isk and retry.
Eunichs: The operating system for real men.
Features should be discovered, not documented.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
File not found: Loading something that looked similar.
First, we’ll kill all the programmers…
Friends don’t let friends do DOS.
Hackito ergo sum.
Hark, what mail from yonder modem breaks?
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Hi! I’m a shareware signature! Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual!
Hit any user to continue.
Honey, it’s just a machine, now put the axe away.
i hate capitals.. why shift now.
I cna tpye 300w rods per mniuet~!!1
I keep my .BAT files in D:BELFRY.
I only changed one line and it was a comment…
I wrote a program in Lisp once…it wrote back to me.
I’m a modemer & I’m OK, I post all night & I sleep all day.
I’m not hitting my computer – this is an impact adjustment!
IBM: Invented By Morons.
If I reverse polarity on my power supply, will Windows blow?
If you can read this, thank a computer technoweenie.
If you can’t fix it… feature it.
Intel: Putting the “backward” in “backward compatible”.
Is telecommunications a BIT far fetched?
It works better if you plug it in.
It’ll be in v2.9….I promise!!!!
It’s not a bug–it’s an undocumented feature.
It’s only a hobby … only a hobby … only a
Junior, Quit playing with your floppy!
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Loose bits sink chips.
Luxuriantly hand-crafted from only the finest ASCII.
MacIntosh: Computer With Training Wheels You Can’t Remove.
Mafia DOS: “Thisa you lasta chance (y/n) ?
Misspelled? Impossible. I have an error-correcting modem.
Modemo, ergo dingbat.
My 486 does an infinite loop in 4.68 sec.
My computer even came with a driver’s side air bag.
Never make anything simple and efficient when it can be complex and wonderful.
Nice computers don’t go down.
Nice computers only go down once a day.
NO CARRIER : What we have here, is a failure to communicate!
Old MacDonald had a computer with an EIA I/O.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
ORG.ASM not found. A)bort R)etry F)ake It.
Press Alt-H for temporary Sysop access.
Programming is a race between programmers trying to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs and the universe trying to create bigger and better idiots.
Read my Lisp…no new syntax. (nil)
Real men write self-modifying code.
Real programmers don’t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
REALITY.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot universe? (Y/N/Q).
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
ROBONAP — Sleeps for you while you’re online!
Script: ImpLode, UpLode, DownLode, ExpLode!
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up! Push down! Byte! Byte! Byte!
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…
SQWERTY: Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
SysOp has requested chat. Type ALT-H to accept.
That was a pointing device? My cat thought it was dinner.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The female .GIF to the male .GIF: “You’re a CAD!”
The use of ‘goto’ statements is discouraged, especially with the label HELL:
The world is coming to an end. Please log-off.
There are two ways to write bug-free code; only the third way works.
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
Things are only impossible until they are not.
This message smiley captioned for the humour impaired.
Those who can’t write, write help files.
Those whom the gods would destroy, they first teach Basic.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
Toto, I don’t think we’re in DOS anymore…
Unable to load REALITY.SYS Invalid Parameter: /UTOPIA.
Unable to locate Coffee — Operator Halted!
Unix: When you can’t afford the very best.
Unlike the cleaning lady, I have to do Windows.
We all live in a yellow subroutine.
What’s the cure for “Modemus Addictus”?
When I was a boy, we carved our ICs out of wood.
Windows NT = Windows NinTendo?
Windows! The magic of turning a 486 into an XT!
Windows? Seems more like Walls.
Ymodem if you can’t Zmodem ?
YTERM: A terminal program for queries.
You know better than to trust a strange computer.
Your E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient postage.
You can never have enough RAM, enough hard disk space, a fast enough computer or enough money.
XMODEM: A spot-marking transfer protocol.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (C)huck it out the window
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a Macintosh
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort, (R)etry, (K)ill innocent bystanders
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)mack it


Food & Drink Anything is good and useful if it’s made of chocolate!
Are you serving left d’oeuvres?
As of 1992, they’ll be called European Economic Community fries.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.
Bend a carrot if you will, but a turnip will never bend.
Can I have two Marshmallow pizzas to go?
Cannibals don’t eat clowns. They taste funny.
Cattle without legs: ground beef.
Cole’s Law: Chopped cabbage with mayo.
Cuisine is something like food but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to have French cuisine then the waiter will insult you as you are served.
Cut my pizza in six slices, please; I can’t eat eight.
Do not drink coffee in the early morning. It will keep you awake until noon.
Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it is fun trying.
Eat the rich–the poor are tough and stringy.
Fahrflungnudel: n., Mouthful of spaghetti and a sneeze.
Four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant & Microwave-able.
Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
I drink beer I don’t collect cute bottles.
I just bought a cured ham. I wonder what it had?
I left my tart in Aunt Fran’s Crisco.
I like to think of an egg as a liquid chicken.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If you hear an onion ring, answer it.
I’ll have what the gentleman on the floor is having.
I’ve been seduced by the chocolate side of the Force.
Life is a sandwich–and it’s always lunchtime.
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.
Life is just one large conspiracy to drive me to chocolate.
Life is uncertain, eat dessert first.
Mr. Potato Head meets the Veg-o-matic.
Perverted rice krispies: they go snap crackle and snarl.
Pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.
Sandwich: A faulty attempt to make both ends meat.
These cookies don’t taste nothing like Girl Scouts!
Twisted pear???
Whatsa matter, Colonel Sanders … CHICKEN?
War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
What’s the difference between an egg?
Would you like a beer, or just a Budweiser horseleak?


Health Dead? No, he’s just electroencephlegraphically challenged.
Death is Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’.
Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
Death is the greatest kick of all. That’s why they save it for last.
Do not regret growing old; many are denied the privilege.
Eat Healthy, Exercise, and Die Anyway.
Eat vegetarians.
Fimbriation is a borderline case.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Hollow chocolate has no calories.
How did I get round from eating square meals?
I want to live forever or die in the attempt.
I went to the doctor for a check-up. It was ok, he was there.
I’m in shape…round’s a shape isn’t it?
I’ve got Parkinson’s disease. And he’s got mine.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.
Living Is Hazardous To Your Health.
Living right doesn’t really make you live longer, it just SEEMS like longer.
My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.
Obey little! Resist much! Question authority! Eat fibre!
Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
Sleep? Isn’t that some inferior replacement for caffeine?
Smoking employs tobacco farmers.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes. I had Carpal Tunnel Vision Syndrome.
Today is the last day of your life so far.


Higher Education A professor is someone who talks in someone else’s sleep.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Campus Crusade for Cthulhu.
Education is the best defence against the media.
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
Grammarians never die . . . they fall into a comma.
Half of what I know today will be obsolete in five years–I’d just like to know which half.
Hansen’s Library Axiom: The closest library doesn’t have the material you need.
History does not repeat itself, — historians merely repeat each other.
I always use the goodest English.
I am not a student of human nature. I am a professor of a far wider academy of which human nature is only a part.
I am not sure what this is, but an ‘F’ would only dignify it. — Unknown English Professor
“I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.” — English Professor, Ohio University
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I know it all. I just can’t remember much of it.
If all the students who slept through lectures were laid end to end, they’d be a lot more comfortable.
If you think education is expensive, then try the alternative.
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they’d point in different directions.
Ignorance is temporary, stupidity is forever.
Illiterate? Write for free help!
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, however, there is.
My son is quite bright. He speaks four languages, but none of them are used here on Earth!
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
Never, ever, write repetitive redundancies.
On, no, not another learning experience!
Poetry isn’t obscene, it’s per verse.
Prepositions are not things to end sentences with.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Spelling is a lossed art.
Studied all night for the urine test…I passed!
The best defence against logic is ignorance.
The following statement is true. The preceding statement is false.
The future exists first in the imagination, then in the will, then in reality.
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake—which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
There are two major products to come out of Berekley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.
To iterate is human, to recurse divine.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Who is ART, And why does Life imitate him?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Your IQ Test results are back. They came back negative.


Mental Health A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is actually a bad memory.
A mind is a terrible thing.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
Alzheimer advantage: New friends every day.
Amnesia used to be my favourite word, but then I forgot it.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Ask me about my lobotomy.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Be paranoid. They’re out to get you!
Conscious is when you are aware of something, and conscience is when you wish you weren’t.
Do not adjust your mind — the fault is with reality.
Do not disturb. Already disturbed.
Do you have lysdexia?
Don’t ask me–I have intermittent memory loss.
Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know its in walking distance.
Don’t let your mind wander–its too little to be let out alone.
Dyslexic sells soul to Santa !!
Dyslexics of the world, untie! Together we can trip up the world.
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one DOES anything about it.
Feeling disillusioned? I’ve got some great new illusions…
Have you heard of the upcoming Schizophrenics’ Convention in 1994? Don’t miss it! Anybody who’s everybody will be there!
I get up each morning, gather my wits.
I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it anytime!
I have not lost my mind–I know exactly where I left it.
I have not lost my mind–it’s backed up on tape somewhere.
I may look bored. But there’s a Barry Manilow concert going on inside my head.
I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the lights while I’m still in the bathroom.
I used to be sane, but I got better.
I used to have a photgraphic memory, but it was never developed…
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I’m not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
I’m not tense, just terribly alert.
I’m schizophrenic and so am I!
If God hadn’t wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn’t have given me such a vivid imagination.
If you think I’m strange, you should meet my parents.
If you think this personality is weird, you should meet my others.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.
It’s you and me against the world–when do we attack?
Just because I’m not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after me!
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favourite neurosis.
Kiss me twice. I’m schizophrenic.
Madness takes it toll, please have exact change.
Mental Backup in Progress Do Not Disturb (zzzzz).
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Minds are like parachutes – they only function when open.
My life may be strange, but at least it’s not boring.
My only advantage is that I’m slightly insane.
My reality check just bounced.
Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
Normal is the absence of any psychoses.
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.
Oh no!! Look! It’s a Brain Storm!!!
Old psychiatrists never die, they just shrink away!
One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into hysteria.
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
People say I’m indecisive. Am I? I don’t know.
Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
My mind is not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
Reality’s the only obstacle to happiness.
Sane people not permitted beyond this point.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement.
Standing on the edge of sanity, loosing my balance.
Stress: The confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.
They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
This isn’t reality. This is fantasy.
What do you call it when you can’t remember stuff?
What, me paranoid? Well if you would stop looking at me like that I wouldn’t BE paranoid…
Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
You may be recognized soon. Hide.

READ  1999: Eleven Laws to Set You Free


Military Intelligence A sucking chest wound is nature’s way of telling you it is time to slow down.
Anything you do on a battlefield can get you shot, including doing nothing.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Bombs don’t kill people, explosions kill people.
Conquering Russia is a steppe by steppe process.
Do not look conspicuous on a battlefield, it draws fire.
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Gulf War Lite: High in accomplishments, with 2/3 fewer casualities than our regular war!
If it moves…Shoot it. If it doesn’t…BLAST IT!
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If two British Army Officers are wearing the same order of dress, then one’s an impostor.
If you don’t hear a rumour by noon, start one.
If your attack is going well, it’s an ambush.
If you’re short on everything but the enemy, your in a combat zone.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Kill them all–let God sort it out
Never draw the enemy’s fire, it irritates everyone around you.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
Never trust a Second Lieutenant with a map and compass. (Naval translation – Never trust an officer.)
Nuke’em till they glow, then shoot’em in the dark.
OK, I pulled the pin…now what? Where are you going?
Old mercenaries never die. They just go to hell and regroup.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Peace through superior intelligence.
Teamwork on the battlefield is essential, it gives them somebody else to shoot at.
The easiest way is always mined.
The only thing more accurate than enemy incoming fire is friendly incoming fire.
There are very few personal problems which can’t be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
There’s nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
True heroics must be carefully planned, and strenuously avoided.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
What’s the point spread on World War III?
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
When you pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer a friend.
When your have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.
Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we have?


Modern Living ” ” — Marcel Marceau
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A Smith and Wesson beats four Aces.
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
Acid absorbs 47 times it’s weight in excess reality.
After four decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
All the world’s a stage, and I missed rehearsal.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
And, as a final note, always remember:
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Answers: $1, Short: $5, Correct: $25, dumb looks: FREE!!
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Apathetic Surf Club: We don’t surf, and we don’t care.
Are we having fun yet?
Aren’t you glad we don’t all live on Uranus?
Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Barnum was WRONG. There’s one born every SECOND.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Be suspicious of all native born Esperanto speakers.
Bend over. I’ll drive.
Better to trade knowledge than something of value.
Bring the whole family, but leave the kids at home.
But officer! I was going only ONE way!
But the initial objective was to drain the swamp!
Buy land now! — Its not being made anymore.
California does have its faults.
Call me apathetic I don’t care..!
Calm down. It’s only ones and zeros.
Camouflage condoms: So they won’t see you coming.
Can I go to prison for this?
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
Chem E’s make the best heat exchangers.
Coathangers, like bugs, breed if unobserved.
Criminal Lawyer? … REDUNDANT !!!
Cure for postal strikes: mail them their strike pay.
Deep down, I’m really shallow.
Desk: A large wastebasket with drawers and a phone.
Detroit: Where the weak are killed and eaten.
Did you: Reduc and Recycle today???
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Do not throw butts in the urinals, for it makes them soggy and hard to light.
Do you think sheep know when you’re pulling the wool over their eyes?
Don’t hate yourself in the morning–sleep till noon.
Don’t just stand there–scratch my back!
Don’t rush me–I’m dawdling as fast as I can.
Don’t worry, I’m fluent in weirdo.
Don’t look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Drag the Joneses down to your level. It’s cheaper.
Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they’re the scenic route!
Earn cash in your spare time–blackmail your friends.
Earth is 98% full … please delete anyone you can.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Even backwards A TOYOTA is still A TOYOTA!
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Everyone but Marcel Marceau has a talk show now!
Everyone was born right-handed. Only the greatest overcome it.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Expect the worst, it’s the least you can do.
FLASH–Eveready Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
FLASH–Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at .. uh, when the little hand is at the…
For a current catalog, please contact:
For my sister’s 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Forecasting is difficult, especially about the future.
Free bank with the purchase of any toaster.
GAY ABANDON – Homosexual repellent perfume.
Ghosts are merely unsubstantiated roomers.
Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances.
He had a tragedy at birth. He lived.
He looked at me at though I were a side dish he hadn’t ordered.
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
He who laughs last found the dirty meaning.
He who laughs last doesn’t get it.
Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
Herblock’s Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
Hey… is that SUPPOSED to smoke like that..?
Hindsight is usually better, depending on the hind you’ve sighted.
HINDSIGHT ENGINEERING: We Make Tomorrow’s Mistakes Today!
Hire the morally handicapped.
How come pizza gets to your door faster than the police?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Human beings don’t live like this.
I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent person, you will not sell me another book.
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
I bought myself a cordless extension cord.
I bought some powdered water. What do I add to it?
I can’t be overdrawn–I still have checks left!
I don’t just tempt fate I give it the finger.
I get more excitement fishing for my keys.
I have a ‘full deck’,..I am just a ‘slow shuffler’!
I haven’t lost it–it’s been temporally mislaid.
I just keep my eyes closed and hope for the best.
I know it’s what I requested, but it’s not what I wanted.
I know karate, kung fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I know TNSTAAFL, but what about dinner?
I like work — I can sit and watch it for hours.
I never spit in your drink–why do you smoke in my air?
I tried the rest but bought the best!!!!
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
I used to get high on life, but lately I’ve built up a resistance.
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
I’d rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office.
I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
I’m dangerous when I know what I’m doing.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I’m not loafing. I work so fast I’m always finished.
I’m not on drugs. I am drugs.
I’m not unemployed–I’m looking for the perfect job.
I’m not wearing any underwear. Film at 11.
I’m Not Prejudiced: I Hate Everybody Equally.
I’m spending a year dead for tax purposes.
I’ve been meaning to start procrastinating for awhile now.
I’ve got leprosy. What’s eating YOU?
I’ve had fun before. This isn’t it.
If 7-11s are open 24 hours, why do they have locks?
If all the world is a stage, I want better lighting.
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
If it ain’t broke… fix it until it is!
If it moves, suppress it!
If it moves so slow, why is it called rush hour??
If it’s tourist season why can’t we shoot them?
If only I had a little humility, I would be perfect.
If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
If we were meant to fly, we wouldn’t keep losing our luggage.
If winning isn’t important, then why keep score?
If you can’t dress weird, why dress at all?
If you don’t change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse can happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
Ignorance or Apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care!
Incontinence Hotline–Can you hold, please?
Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
Innuendo: An Italian suppository.
Introducing “lite”, the new way to spell “light”, with 20% fewer letters!
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
It’s better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.
It’s not easy being this cute.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
It’s not the principle of the thing, it’s the money.
It’s NOT the Society for Compulsive Accuracy!
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I’m not lost. HERE just isn’t where it’s supposed to be!
Junk–stuff we throw away. Stuff–junk we keep.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Just when you think you’ve finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.
Let me know if you didn’t receive this message!
Liar, n. A lawyer with a roving commission.
Liberace was great on a piano, but sucked on an organ.
Life is just SO full of little surprises! – Pandora
Life is like an analogy
Life is like a simile.
Life is much too complicated in the morning.
Live now–procrastinate later!
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
Lynch’s Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Marcel Marceau now has a talk show. It’s close captioned.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
MONEY TALKS… but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!
Monkey in blender = Rhesus Pieces.
Monopoly? No, we just don’t want competition.
MOP AND GLOW: Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
Murphy’s Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn’t work.
My Brother’s a Stud, I’m just a nail.
My mother was a travel agent for “Guilt Trips”.
My patio is naturally protected. The dog uses it daily.
New TV shows all come in one colour. Mediocre.
Next time you wave at me, use all of your fingers.
No thanks. I already have a nagila.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
“Not a morning person” doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Now let’s all repeat the non-conformist oath.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Old mufflers never die, they get exhausted.
On a child’s T-Shirt: My human experiance is just beginning.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Only borrow from pessimists–they don’t expect to be paid back.
Only the truly medicocre are always at their best.
Open mouth, insert foot, echo internationally.
Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am!
Other people’s property comes naturally to me.
PALINDROME spelled backwards is EMORDNILAP.
Pardon me, but is that Grey Poupon on those Bugle Boy jeans you’re wearing?
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
Planned Parenthood is nothing of the sort.
Precinct toilet stolen; Cops have nothing to go on.
Pry a yellow rib and pound the old soak free . . .
Public Floggings will continue until Morale improves .
Punishment should be cruel and unusual. It works better and is FUN!
Really I am not blind, I just need to feel my way.
Red Ship and Blue Ship collide. Sailors Marooned.
Remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?
Remember: if guns are outlawed, only cops will have guns.
Remember: you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Save energy: be apathetic.
Screw up your courage! You’ve screwed up everything else.
Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
Sheesh! You start havin’ fun, and they send the lawyers!
Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
Silly rabbit…..tricks are for hookers!
Silver’s law: If Murphy’s law can go wrong it will.
Smaller is not better. Better is better.
Stripper to Stripper: Oh Beth, where is thy string?
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support your local police force — steal!!
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
T-Shirt saying: Biodegradeable
Ted Kennedy’s car has killed more people than my gun.
Test-tube babies shouldn’t throw stones.
The airline had a 2-for-1 special. I gave them two pieces of luggage, they gave back one.
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
The crimes we are about to depict have been specially committed for this program.
The difference between spoiled milk & yogurt? Marketing!
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The first cup of coffee recapitulates phylogeny.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.
The light at end of tunnel will be out until further notice.
The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a “No Exit” sign.
The money is always there but the pockets change.
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it’s further away.
The more they try to suppress us,THE LARGER WE GET.
The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The other day I went to the stationery store, but it had moved.
The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is cursed.
The scenery changes only for the lead dog.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.
The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line.
The smoker you drink, the player you get.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
The word today is Legs … Spread the word.
There are only 2000 real people in the world; the rest are bad special effects.
There are some strings. They’re just not attached.
There are two types of people…those who think there are two types, and those who don’t.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is no substitute for good manners except fast reflexes.
There isn’t time enough for love, so what does that leave for hate?
There’s always one weirdo on a bus-but I couldn’t find him!
There’s that strange noise from the drive again…
This is MY universe and I’m SICK of people BARGING IN!
This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
Trust me, I’m a consultant.
UFO’s are real–the Air Force is swamp gas!
Void where prohibited by reality.
Warning on knife: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.
WARNING! Conscience Failure! You’re on your own.
WARNING! Murphy’s Law strictly enforced adhead.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
Watch out! I’m striking a significant Kirby pose!
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the Phone Company.
What happened to the people who tested Preparation A thru G.
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
What’s the good of being grown-up if you can’t be childish?
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue.
When liars die, do they lie still?
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you see something you just can’t understand, look for the financial interest.
Where there’s a will, there’s a body decomposing.
Who ever has the most toys when he dies, wins.
Who gives a damn about apathy?
Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coop? If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
Wok. What you fwow at a wabbit.
Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
World ends — Details after the game.
X-rated movies are all alike … the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot.
Xerox does it again and again and again and …
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You can get a big charge out of VISA or Mastercard.
You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.
You can have it good, cheap, or quick. Pick any two.
You can’t have everything — where would you put it?
You know you lead a sad life when the girls who get around never get around to you.
You know you’ve landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
You too can wear a nose mitten.
You want to grep my what?
You’re not bald; your head is showing.
You’re only young once. You’re immature forever.
You’ve got to be trusted by the people that you lie to.
Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.


Music A harp is a nude piano.
A seamstress tucks up frills; a trumpet player…..
Better dead than mellow.
Brought to you by High-C, the beverage of Opera singers.
If Milli Vanilli falls down in the woods, does someone else make a sound?
Margaritaville – It’s not just a song, it’s a way of life!
Pipers do it with Amazing Grace.
Sell your New Kids on the Block stock NOW!
.Sig! .Sig a .Sog! .Sig it loud! .Sig it .Strog! — Karen Carpenter with a head cold
This door is Baroque; Please call Bach.
This door Is Baroque; Please wiggle Handel.
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.


Nature America borders on the magnificent -> Canada!
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Did anyone get the license number of that storm?
Don’t buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs.
Elephants never forget, but you seldom see a kangaroo with a zipper.
Even a mosquito doesn’t get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
Everybody loves a moose; they just don’t know it.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn’t. It just eats another hummingbird.
Evolution: nature’s search for the original.
Fur is murder …. to clean.
Go, lemmings, go!
Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Help a swallow land at Capistrano. Give generously.
Humans were invented by water for transporting it uphill.
I love animals. They’re delicious.
If God had meant for penguins to fly, he would have given them wings.
It’s hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.
Join hands across the seas. Stop continental drift.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it’s 100% fatal.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
No matter how hard you throw a dead fish in the water, it still won’t swim.
Nuke the baby seals for Jesus.
Of course, long before you mature, most of you will be eaten.
One planet is all you get.
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
Preserve Wild Life. Throw a party.
Preserve wildlife. Pickle a squirrel.
Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
Save plankton! Nuke the whales!
Save the Whales! Harpoon a Honda!
Save the whales! Collect the whole set!
Solution to two of the world’s problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
STICK ‘stik n. 1: A boomerang that doesn’t work.
Support bacteria! It’s the only culture some people have!
Support wildlife! Vote for an orgy!
Swim nude! Sharks hate to peel their food!
The 80’s — when you can’t tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
The climate of Bombay is such that it’s inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.
The insects will inherit the earth.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Think of it as evolution in action.
This garment made entirely from animals that committed suicide in the wild.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
Vultures fly with only carrion luggage.
Why experiment on animals with so many lawyers out there?
Woodchuck + Car = Ground Chuck


Pets A dog may bark, but his legs will never grow longer.
Catastrophe: the prize for the cat with the nicest buns.
Cats: proof that eating and sleeping isn’t all bad.
Do dogs have four elbows, or are their knees backwards?
Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.
Forget the dog…LOOK AT THE OWNER !!!!!!
Gee Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
I have a watch cat! Just break in and she’ll watch.
Mary had a little lamb. That’ll teach her to stay out of the barn.
meooOOW!” SPLAT! “wooOOF!” SPLAT! (raining cats & dogs)
Most men keep their ideas as housepets.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats.
There’s more than one way to skin a cat. Way #15: Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
Thousands of years ago, Egyptians worshipped cats. Cats have never forgotten this.
To a cat, “NO!” means “Not while I’m looking”


Philosophy Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Happiness: The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.
³I don’t think so”, said Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I get mail, therefore I exist.
I think, therefore I am, I think.
I think, therefore I’m dangerous.
I’m pink therefore I’m spam.
I think, therefore I’m single.
I’m sorry, my karma ran over your dogma.
Inspiration requires preparation.
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
Knowing Murphy’s Law won’t help either.
Leisure is the mother of philosophy.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Serenity through viciousness.
The human spirit is a very hard thing to kill. Even with a chainsaw.
Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.
Trees don’t fall in the forest when no one’s around to hear them. Sometimes they just happen to be on the ground when you see them.
What colour is a chameleon on a mirror?
What does “it” mean in the sentence “What time is it?”?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What’s the sound a name makes when it’s dropped?


Politics A new name for Political Correctness: Euphemasia.
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
An armed society is a polite society.
Anarchy – it’s not the law, it’s just a good idea!
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it’s better than no government at all.
Bureaucrats cut red tape–lengthwise.
Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They merely adjust the compass.
CONgress. The opposite of PROgress!
Death to all fanatics!
Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.
Diplomacy is saying “nice doggy” until you find a rock.
Don’t steal! The government hates competition!
Freedom isn’t free.
Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation was cheaper?
I can tell you’re lying. Your lips are moving.
I favor the two-party system: Party on Friday, party on Saturday.
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
In capitalism, man exploits man. In Communism, it’s exactly the opposite.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Is there really a United States, of just a bunch of people pretending?
Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the fun?
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
POLITICS: poly = “many” tics = “blood sucking parasites”.
Power means not having to respond.
Practice safe government—use kingdoms.
Russia has the Moscow Circus; we have PARLIAMENT!
Sex, Drugs, and Crime…God, I love Parliament.
The L.A. judicial system works by Trial and Error.
The moral majority is neither.
The voters have spoken, the bastards …
Vote early, and vote often.
We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune!


Proverbs A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A day without sunshine is like … night.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
A father is a banker provided by nature.
A fool and his money are some party.
A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
A good pun is its own reword.
A job well done is a job worth doing.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A king’s castle is his home.
A man is not complete until he is married — then he is finished.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A prune is a plum with experience.
A silver tongue, a golden touch, and a mink like a steel trap.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation.
All power corrupts, but we need electricity–D. W. Jones
All things in moderation, including moderation.
An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehesable truth.
Beware of Trojans that are complete smegheads.
Blood is thicker than water–and much tastier.
CHEER UP! Things may be getting worse at a slower rate.
Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you.
Come well or come woe, my status is quo.
Conformity obstructs progress.
Confucius say: Man with hands in pockets feel cocky all day.
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before.
Do not remove a fly from a friend’s forehead with a chopstick.
Don’t take life too seriously… it’s not like anyone gets out of it alive.
Don Œt tell big lies. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don’t hit a man when he’s down — kick him; its easier.
Eagles fly, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines!
Either run with the big dogs or stay on the porch.
Even a fool must now and then be right by chance.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Fellow with closed mind often has open mouth.
Few children fear water unless soap’s added.
Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
Great ideas need landing gear as well as wings.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
History repeats itself. That’s the one thing wrong with history.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
I have a mind like a steel trap……rusted shut.
I have a mind like a steel sieve.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, don’t skydive again.
If you can keep your head in the midst of all this confusion, you don’t understand the situation.
If you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.
If you’re not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
It is truly written that a man has five times as many fingers as ears, but only twice as many ears as noses.
I’ll mix metaphors until the cows come home to roost!
It’s better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
It’s impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It’s much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
It’s not winning that counts, it’s making everyone else lose that’s important.
Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to failure.
Money can’t buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
Murphy was an optimist!
Murphy’s Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never kick a man unless he’s down.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It only wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
No matter where you go, there you are.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
No problem is so formidable that you can’t just walk away from it.
Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Nothing is forever, but a temporary tax increase is close.
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
Nothing is so simple that it can’t get screwed up.
Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.
Old age & treachery beats youth & skill every time.
One man’s mistake is another man’s opportunity.
Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
People usually get what’s coming to them … unless it’s been mailed.
Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
So just what ARE time flies, and why do they like an ARROW?
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
Some men carve their careers–some just chisel.
Some people are wise; others are otherwise.
Sometimes it’s easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
Sometimes you’re a bug, sometimes a windshield.
Success and Failure are a fork in the road. You choose.
Success comes in a can. Failure comes in a can not.
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
Teamwork is essential — it allows you to blame someone else.
That which does not kill me makes me smarter.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
The good die young — because they see it’s no use living if you’ve got to be good.
The meek shall inherit the earth, if that’s okay with you.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one/the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many [on yin-yang].
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to bet.
The road to to success is always under construction.
The scenery changes only for the lead dog.
There are dangers in eyesight too keen.
There are 3 kind of people in this world, those who can count and those who can’t.
There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I’m very probably wrong.
There’s an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
Those who dance are thought mad by those who hear not the music.
Those who live by the nit, die by the nit.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.
To err is human, to forgive….$5.00
To err is human. To forgive is unusual.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.
We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.
We’ll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What you don’t know can hurt you, only you won’t know it.
Whatever happens to you, it will have previously happened to everyone you know, only more so.
Wit is the salt of conversation not the meal itself.
When in doubt, don’t bother.
When in doubt, ignore it.
While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it shrink.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to swim on his back, you’ve got something.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You can’t judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
You learn something useless every day.
You should emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

READ  2006: Finding Reality Through Meditation


Relationships A friend is someone who will help you move; a GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body.
A man is incomplete till he is married; then he is finished.
A self-made man will be amazed at the number of alterations made when he marries.
Actually, that is a banana in my pocket…
Arms control could mean slapping a fresh boyfriend.
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Being sexy is a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.
Bigamist? Isn’t that an Italian fog?
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Def’n: Bigamy: One too many wives. Def’n: Monogamy: See Bigamy.
Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?
Don’t be sexist – chicks hate that!
Exercise before kinky sex you should be fit to be tied.
For Sale: Ex-wife — Take over payments.
Fahrvergn&uumlckie: Sex in a Volkswagen.
Familiarity breeds children.
Getting tired of children? Ever heard of youthanasia?
Haven’t had sex in so long, I forget who gets tied up.
Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew.
Her kisses left something to be desired — the rest of her.
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!
How can I love you if you won’t lie down?
How can I tell you I love you when you’re sitting on my face?
I don’t love you since you ate my dog.
I keep finding odd signs that I may not be the only person in the world.
I never knew what true happiness was till I got married. And then it was too late.
I own my own body, but I share.
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
I wish you were a beer.
I worship the ground that awaits you.
If I follow you home will you keep me?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If only women came with pull-down menus and a help screen.
If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
In marriage, the bride gets a shower, but for the groom it’s curtains!
I’m defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
I’m for lust.
I’m having a party in my pants. Want to come?
Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.
Love is like pi—natural, irrational, and VERY important.
Love is missing someone even when they’re with you.
Love means telling you why you’re sorry.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Of course I’m happily married. She’s happy, and I’m married.
Our parents were never our age.
Pretend to spank me — I’m a pseudo-masochist!
Safe sex means never having to say “You’ve got WHAT?!?”
Sex is a disrobic experience.
Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Sex is only dirty if it’s done right.
Sex on TV can’t hurt, unless you fall off the set.
Sex? I’ve tried my hand at that a few times.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest, with an axe.
The sex was so good, even the neighbours lit cigarette.
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking—it’s called marriage.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
When you asked me to live in sin with you, I didn’t know you meant sloth.
Women come with instructions, just ask them!
Women have PMS…Men have SRH (sperm retention headache)
Women libbers are ok. I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.


Religion A “Frisbeterian” believes that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, and you can’t get it back down.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
ACK and ye shall receive.
After God created Woman, he atoned by creating beer.
And God said: E = +mv} – Ze}/r, and there was light!
Christians do it with grace.
Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead.
Contrary to popular opinion, God’s last name isn’t Damn.
Death is God’s way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Do unto others. Then run!
Every spam is sacred.
FOR SALE: 1 set of morals. Never used. Will sell cheap.
Forgive me father for I have syned.
Forgive thy enemy. They HATE that!
Garbage In — Gospel Out.
Give me that REAL old time religion ! Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Danu!
Giving up Catholicism for Lent.
God created man and rested. God created woman and no-one’s rested since.
God didn’t create the world in seven days–He goofed off for six, then pulled an all-niter.
God heals, and the doctor takes the fee!
God is dead and I want His job.
God is love; Satan is 30 and up one set.
God is not dead! He’s alive and autographing bibles at Cody’s.
God is real unless declared integer.
God isn’t dead, he just couldn’t find a parking space.
God made whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world!
How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
I can resist anything but temptation.
I’m one with the Universe—on a scale from 1 to 10.
Jesus saves…but Gretzky gets the rebound! He shoots. HE SCOOORES!
Jesus saves sinners…and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!
Jesus saves, Moses invests, but Buddha pays dividends.
Jesus saves, passes to Moses, he shoots, he scores.
I’m a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man.
Lead me not to temptation–I can find it for myself.
Listen to your surroundings and yourself, instead of Jimmy Swaggert.
Live Lent in the fast lane.
Lord protect me from my friends. I can take care of my enemies.
Love your enemies: they’ll go crazy trying to figure out what you’re up to.
Money is the root of all evil–and a man needs roots.
My church accepts all denominations, $1, $5, $10, $20.
No evil is greater than indifference toward evil.
No one expects the spammish repetition Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I’ve never tried before.
Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages.
Patience is a virtue I have no time to learn.
Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.
Sects! Sects! Sects! Is that all monks ever think about?
Sin harder! Ragnarok is coming!
That was Zen, this is Tao..
The meek shall inherit the Earth after we’re done with it.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
The worst thing about hell is that you THINK you’re having a really good time.
We have the answer. If you’re lucky, its to your question.
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they’ve been taken out and shot.
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don’t follow in his footsteps?
Where we going, and why am I in this handbasket.
While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.
Yield to Temptation. It may not pass your way again.
You’ve taken a vow of silence? Tell me about it!


Science A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
Air is water with holes in it.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Better living through alchemy.
Beware of the Quantum Ducks Quark! Quark! Quark!
Black Holes were created when God divided by zero!
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Chaos — It’s not just for Mathematicians anymore.
CLEARASOL: Effective sunspot remover.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Death is 99% fatal to laboratory rats.
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Does radioactive halibut make fission chips?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Entropy requires no maintenance!
Even chaos has a pattern.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Got Mole problems? Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23.
Grabel’s Law: 2 is not equal to 3—not even for very large values of 2.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
I’ve truncated, and I can’t round up!
Mathematician: a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.
Mr. Math says: “Don’t drink and derive!”
Nothing shocks me–I’m a scientist.
Of course you can’t flap your arms and fly to the moon. After a while you run out of air to push against.
Paul’s Law: You can’t fall off the floor.
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Pi R squared. No! Pie R round, Cornbread R square!
Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Resistance is useless (if less than 1 ohm).
Seen on Pavlov’s door: “Knock. Don’t ring bell.”
Seen on the door to a light-wave lab: “Do not look into laser with remaining good eye.”
The sign of a confident scientist: Often wrong, never in doubt.
The speed of time is one second per second.
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
The universe does not have laws–it has habits, and habits can be broken.
TRAPEZOID: A device for catching zoids.
Trees moving back and forth make the wind blow.
UFOs are Real, unless declared Integer.
Under the most carefully controlled conditions of temperature, density, and pressure, the organism will do what it damn well pleases.
Very good, Einstein, but next time show your work.
Wanted, Dead or Alive: Schrodinger’s Cat.
We don’t know who discovered water, but we’re certain it wasn’t a fish.
What is the speed of light in furlongs per fortnight?
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
Without Time, everything would happen at once.


Science Fiction & Fantasy Asimov to Tolkien

Abandon the search for TRUTH; settle for a good fantasy.
Always speak politely to an enraged dragon.
Cthulhu likes you — on toast with ketchup.
Darth Vader sleeps with a teddywookie.
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
Go not to the elves for council, for they will say both no and yes.
Heard on A. Centauri, 2361: “So you’re from Earth! Do you know —-? ”
I liked “Slaughterhouse 5”, but I can’t find the first four anywhere.
Ignore alien orders.
I’ll be Bach. – Johann Sebastian Schwarzenegger
Mostly harmless.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife between his shoulder blades will seriously cramp his style.
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t deal with science fiction.
Sauron is alive and well and living in Argentina!
Smurfs — Killed any lately?
Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
Staring into the dragon’s jaw, one quickly learns wisdom.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
The Martian canals were the Martians’ last ditch effort.
The meek will inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
The worst book in a trilogy is the fourth.
Tread lightly near thine own traps.
Unicorns aren’t mythical–virgins are!
Users: Keep them dry and don’t feed them after midnight.
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
Walt Disney is not dead. He’s in suspended animation.
What do you suppose gives Stephen King nightmares?
You were TOLD not to feed me after midnight.

Commonly Heard Quotations During Role Playing Games

Ace, give me some of that Nitro-9 you’re not carrying.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE You burn!
Berserkers do it without thinking.
Courage is your greatest present need.
Cthulhu for Prime Minister — When you’re tired of voting for the lesser of two evils.
Cthulhu Lives–in MY refrigerator.
Cthulhu Cthucks
Do what you want with the girl, but let me go!
Don’t crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.
Even barbarians like chocolate chip cookies.
Excuse me, I have to recharge my flamethrower.
Gee Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kanas anymore.
Go climb a gravity well!
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoy. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Hit my points!
I have a cunning plan!
Icky icky icky icky fKANG zoop-boing n zowzyin…
Is the surface of a planet the right place for an expanding industrial civilization?
It’s just a harmless little bunny…
It’s not a dungeon — it’s fortified underground defense installation.
I’ll stay here and clean up the blood.
Let’s split up! — we can do more damage that way.
Look out! Behind you!
More hit points than you can possibly imagine.
Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
Nee! Nee!
Send in the clones.
Set phasers on kill.
Resistance is futile!
Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
Tis Only a Flesh Wound!
We have them just where they want us.
What do you mean, an African or European swallow?
What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
What’s your name? What’s your quest? What’s your favourite colour?
What could possibly go wrong?
You fell out of a tower window, you twit!
You may not be able to run away forever, but there’s nothing wrong with a good head start.

Doctor Who

Care for a jelly baby?
Cybermats, why does it have to be Cybermats?
Have TARDIS, will travel.
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn’t immune to bullets!
The future isn’t what it used to be.
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views…which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.
There’s no future in time travel.
Star Trek

Beam me up, Scotty, something just ate my phaser.
Boldly going nowhere.
Borg Spreadsheet: Locutus 1-2-3.
Borg? Where? I don’t see any {~~fds{{ NO CARRIER
BorgBurgers–we do it our way. Yours is irrelevant.
Borger Burgers: Have’em our way, Yours is irrelevant.
Borger King: One million assimilated.
Cylons are Borg rejects.
Dan Quayle for Starship Yamato Engineer
Don’t put all your ranking officers in one shuttlecraft.
Fuzzy logic: a Vulcan contemplating a tribble.
Go where no man has gone b4! The ladies Bathroom!
Have you hugged a Klingon lately (and lived)?
He’s dead, Jim. You take his phaser, and I’ll grab his wallet.
He’s dead, Jim. Kick him if you don’t believe me.
Hey, Captain! I just created a black ho}].3.NO CRUSHER.
Holodeck computer…end Clinton administration program.
How to Destroy the Borg: Give them a copy of MS-Windows!
I am Ronald Reagan…of Borg. Prepare to be… uh, I don’t recall.
I am Marvin of Borg. Guess which weapon I have…
I am Alfred E. Neuman, of Borg. What, me assimilate?
I had a tribble once…it tasted like chicken.
I am Dirty Harry of Borg. Go ahead…resist us…
I am Fudd of Borg. Pwepare to be assimiwated.
I am Gilligan of Borg. Rescue is irrelevant.
I am Clinton of Borg. Resistance is taxable.
In her off hours, Tasha Yar held a Data Entry position…
It appears to be a Romulan Warbi^ux{i^NO CARRIER
Join the Group Mind – become a Borg.
Klingons evolved from seals. Want proof? “Worf! Worf!”
Liberalism is futile. We are EIB. You will be assimilated.
Locutus at Jurassic Park: You will be assimil…SQUISH!
My, aren’t you the Klingon calling the Cardassian bumpy?
Nobody knows the Tribbles I’ve seen.
Odo, is there any more jello in the fridge? Odo? Odo??
ODOSCAN.EXE: keeps the Quarks off of your hard drive.
Okay, I’ve lived long. When do I get to prosper?
Once again, Odo wins the Twister championship.
Operator halted! Star Trek’s on!
PRIME DIRECTIVE MY A**! Phasers on maximum!
Real men don’t set their phasers on stun!
Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm)
Riker to Enterprise: beam down Troi and a sixpack.
Riker to Holodeck: “Woman, 23, Hot.”
Scotty, hurry! Beam me u±íÆéä¬ NO CARRIER
She’s dead Jim. Still warm though. Flip ya for her?
Spock, saying goodbye to a CRT: “Live long and phosphor.”
Spock’s Brain, Elvis’ Body -Think about it!
Terror – A female Klingon with PMS
The Force has been assimilated.–Darth Vader of Borg
The only thing the Borg left was this copy of Windows…
The offspring of a tribble and Ross Perot: @*@
³To poldly bow air mobius gumby four:” –Trek on Novocaine
Trekkers work out at the He’s Dead Gym.
True contiguous memory… The final frontier…
Vader of Borg:You will be assimilated–it is your destiny.
We are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated. We have phasers. I vote we blast’em!
We’ve replaced the Dilithium with new Foldgers Crystals.
YarFan, n. 1.Trekkie obsessed with ropes and
You, in the red uniform–wander out that way a little bit.

* <– tribble | <– anorexic tribble
* <– tribble # <– Borg tribble
* <- tribble -*-*-*-*-*- <- tribble kabob
*..* <– tribble family
_ _ _ <– Tribbles after visiting Jurassic Park
|_____________________* <– bungee-jumping tribble
Seasonal A chubby man with a white beard and red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He’s a Commie.
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire…
Christmas Chopin time . . . make a Liszt.
If he’s the Easter Bunny, where does he get the eggs?
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.


Taglines All taglines are busy..One will be with you shortly.
All the best taglines are always one character too lon
Borg Mail Reader v2.1a Tagline theft is futile.
Captain! Sensors detect an end-of-file marker…
Dammit, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a tagline!
Flame all you want. We’ll post more.
Genuine Saskatchewan Sealskin Tagline!
Hello! I’m a signature virus. Join in the fun and copy me into yours!
I use original taglines–they just originate elsewhere.
Millions of electrons died so you could read this…..
Posting taglines is futile. You will be assimilated.
Taglines are the T-shirts of the Internet. Maybe you should change yours more often.
The Borg assimilated my race, and all I got was this crummy tagline.
The Humane Society confirms that no animals were harmed in the posting of this message.
This message has been brought to you by the number 5 and the letter F.
This tagline is functioning within normal parameters.
This tagline is umop apisdn.
You know you’ve arrived when folks steal your taglines.
<-cloaked tagline
===__-+- The No-Win Tagline *–=/__ *–=/__ *–=/__

——— if you cut here, you’ll probably destroy your monitor ——-


Numbers & Statistics 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
1024x768x256 Sounds like one MEAN woman!
186,000 mps; It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law.
2 + 2 = 5 (for moderately large values of two)
355/113: Not the famous irrational number Pi, but an incredible simulation!
42 – The answer to life, the universe, and everything.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
90% of politicians give the other 10% a bad reputation!
98% of all constipated people don’t give a crap!

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