The FBI Says It Can’t Find Hackers to Hire Because They All Smoke Pot

Via. The Internet can be a treacherous place. So treacherous, that in order to meet the mounting cybersecurity challenges posed by hackers, Congress has tasked the FBI with hiring some 2,000 new recruits to fight computer-related crimes. But the hiring process has hit an unforeseen snag: the FBI’s drug testing policies are making it nearly impossible for them to hire hackers with enough skills to best the cyber-criminals the feds are trying to take down. “I am absolutely dead set against using marijuana,” FBI director James Comey told those in attendance at a senate hearing on the bureau’s oversight, “I don’t want young people to use marijuana. It’s against the law. We have a three-year ban on marijuana.” The strict rules against cannabis put in place by Comey’s FBI have drastically reduced the applicant pool for the 2,000 positions the bureau has to fill. The most talented hackers are taking more […] Read More

Baby Taken from Parents After Father Admitted to “Using Marijuana” is Murdered in Foster Care

Grand Junction, CO — Angel Lane Place, an 11-month-old baby girl has died as a result of injuries received while under the care of state-approved foster parents. A 20-year-old woman from Grand Junction is facing charges in the death of Angel. The Grand Junction Police Department said Sydney Danielle White told investigators she “accidentally dropped” the infant, Angel Lane Place, on the floor September 12, and then on September 15, grabbed her by the neck and shook her. According to an arrest affidavit, White said that on the morning of September 15, Angel was screaming and she couldn’t get her to stop. She told police she held the baby “by the neck with both hands and shook her multiple times.” She said she stopped after one of her children then came into the room and said, “Mommy, stop it,” and put Angel to sleep. “White said the baby initially […] Read More

How Republicans Can Save Themselves—As the Party of Legal Weed

A modest proposal that might redeem the GOP (or at least make it a lot cooler): Seize the marijuana moment. Dear Republicans: Believe it or not (and you won’t), I am here to help. There is a path that can lead the party of Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt and Eisenhower out of the political wilderness, a path away from the nightmarish dead-end coalition of white racists and plutocrat zillionaires and back toward national relevance. It isn’t the path of fire-breathing ideological purity and permanent obstructionism and wild fantasies about defunding the entire liberal welfare state. I know that stuff feels good to you right now, but it feels good in roughly the same way that taking a massive drug overdose feels good, for the first minute or two. Sure, you can keep telling yourselves that the fact that you will still hold a majority in one house of Congress […] Read More